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First Love

I should have been kinder. I guess I was just jealous of the fact that she could make you happier than me. Dwelling in that pathetic self-pity, I was hurt and angry. Angry that she would go to someone who she knows have hurted me deeply. Hurted that I didn't manage to have any "worthy" memories with him other than sadness.

I wasn't the victim. I didn't have the right to feel hurt or angry. I was already an outsider when they got together, but I still made both their life miserable. I made her feel bad about her decision, I made her feel guilty and I made him feel sorry too. I hurted both of them. It's not like I wanted them to feel sorry for me or whatsoever. I couldn't control myself because of all those memories, be it good or bad, I couldn't let go.

First love is the most memorable one, they say. It sure was. I joke about how I'm slowly forgetting how he looks like, but the truth is I kind of remember everything. Crystal clear. All the tears shed, all the silly things I did to myself thinking that it would help me get through the pain faster, and all the insecurities I felt at that time. All the "why didn't he stand up for me", "am i really that shitty", "why can't i be skinnier and prettier", "if i was pretty, he wouldn't have to listen to all those comment made by others, joking about how fat & ugly his girlfriend were."

people can be so cruel with their words.
it's as if they were throwing tiny little rocks,
which eventually broke the protector of one's heart.
I could hear it breaking.
but no, you're not allowed to defend yourself.
because you didn't become prettier,
you didn't become skinnier.

I'm so sorry if I hurted both of you. I'm sorry for not being mature enough when it comes to handling that issue. I'm sorry for leaving you, my best friend, because you were dating my first love. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel that you made my life miserable. You did, but that's okay. I've gotten stronger ever since then. I guess I was too angry, too upset, and too immature.

*didn't double check this post. tons of grammatical errors and broken English, but yeah.*



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About Luna

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Hi, I'm Luna and this is my online journal.

Welcome to my virtual diary where I talk about the latest things I love and hate, my whatnot on my life, and my madness.